psychotender (psychotender) wrote in danexcook,

feel free to delete if this isn't allowed!

so, theres this "harry potter roleplay" group on piczo, and its possible that theres more than a few hundred websites for these characters, & anyway, a friend of mine actually roleplays the character "peeves", and the thing about these roleplays is that people have "portrayers" which is, a celebrity that they use as the character, for pictures, etc.
anyway, peeves, get this, get this, peeves is dane cook. seriously, i thought it was genius. so this is a one-shot involving peeves, and my friends other character "kevin edwards". its more than slightly pointless & ridiculous, you probably wont get it at all if you aren't a part of her roleplay, but here it is, anyway.

P.S. - anyone who knows basic harry potter knowledge (books, not movies) - isn't dane cook sort of perfect for peeves? just my opinion.

Status : Completed
Fiction : One-shot
Pairing : Hints at Tiffany/Kevin
Rating : PG-13
Warnings : Swearing, the "wet t-shirt" factor

“I swear to god…” Tiffany Lestrange started off, in the most threatening voice she could muster under pressure.
“You’ll what?” Peeves taunted, shifting the water balloon under his arm to his other side, cocking his head to the side in an adorably infuriating sort of way.
“You’re fucking dead-” she started, but he cut her off with loud, vivacious laughter.
“Really? Is that a threat?” With surprising speed he swooped down, so close that their noses were almost touching. “I really, really don’t think that its going to work out that way.”
Tiffany opened her mouth to retort, but no words came out as she eyed the water balloon nervously.
“Well, isn’t this a sight!” Peeves chuckled, floating casually back to his place in the air above her head. “Tiffany Lestrange, speechless! Merlin’s stained underpants, someone call the daily prophet!”
Tiffany glared up at him, the sparks nearly shooting out from her bright green eyes, considering her options behind her strong front. She knew this hallway well, and she was pretty sure if she slipped her heels off, she’d be able to run fast enough out of his sight.
“Problem?” A new voice asked, clearly amused. Tiffany spun around gratefully, not even realizing she was turning her back to Peeves, but he also seemed distracted.
“Oh, it’s you.” Tiffany spat, rolling her eyes viciously.
Kevin Edwards just smiled up from under his hair, shuffling his feet on the ground.
“You don’t sound very grateful.” He observed.
“That probably has something to do with the fact that I’m not.” She snapped without hesitation. Peeves snickered behind them.
“Alright, fine.” Kevin said, as casually as possible - but Tiffany grew up in the Lestrange household, and with close cousins like the Malfoy’s, you know better than to believe you were let off the hook. “Have another one of those?” Kevin asked over Tiffany’s shoulder, and she felt her blood run cold.
Peeves, dumbstruck and impressed, pulled another water balloon from God knows where and swooped down to the pair, handing a balloon to Kevin with a wicked grin.
“I- I will ruin you.” Tiffany threatened, her voice shaking.
“Just like he’s gonna ruin your hair?” Peeves chimed in.
“Shutup, you.” She snapped over her shoulder.
“Ah-ah-aaaahhh, that’s not very nice.” Peeves said, smirking and floating in front of Tiffany next to Kevin, both of them wearing identical grins. “Were you raised by death eaters?” He paused, before both him and Kevin burst into identical fits of laughter, both punctuated by ridiculous and obnoxious snorts.
“Tut-tut, no manners at all.” Kevin teased. “Princess.” He muttered under his breath as she started to nervously finger-comb her oh-so-precious hair.
“Uh-oh.” Peeves started, pretending to look horrified. “Uh-oh, uh-oh-”
Tiffany Lestrange, was on the verge of a tantrum.
“DUCK AND COVER!!!” Peeves exclaimed, floating away at top speed in a wicked spiral, cackling the entire way. Kevin snickered and Tiffany gave him a death glare she had inherited from her mother. Peeves returned with a loud pop, still cackling like a mad man.
“Seriously, Edwards, you have no idea what I can do to you at this school.”
“It’s true.” Peeves admitted. “You wanna know the reason for Megan Jones spending three weeks in the girls toilets…” he pointed at Tiffany openly, nodding at Kevin’s slightly horrified expression. However, his expression returned to a grin as he casually started to toss the water balloon up and down in one hand.
“I’ll take my chances.”
Tiffany’s somewhat victorious and smug grin faded, and her eyes widened, but only slightly, knowing better than to show weakness - her defences were crumbling slowly, but surely.
“Where the fuck-” Tiffany started, as with another loud pop, Peeves vanished, only to appear directly behind her, jabbing her in the ribcage with a snicker.
“Boo!” he whispered loudly, and she yelped loudly in surprise, nearly jumping into Kevin, sandwiched.
“Watch yourself, Princess.” He said, smirking, not unaware that she was literally clinging to him.
“Seriously,” she started, looking up at him with her last resort - her wickedly deadly puppy-eyes. “Don’t.” She tried not grin when he was forced to look away.
“Hmmm… no.” he grinned down at her, flashing his canines. She practically whimpered.
“I think we’ve got ‘er.” Peeves observed, with a cheesy Scottish accent to top it off.
She turned slowly around, still aware of the water balloon held casually in Kevin’s hand, and attempted foolishly to turn her puppy eyes on the Poltergeist in front of her.
“Yeah, not working, honey. Not working at all.”
“Just say please.” Kevin added, in an irresistible tone. She spun back around to face him, suddenly horribly aware that she couldn’t turn to face one without letting down her defensives to keep her back to the other.
Tiffany just glared.
“Alright, then, your loss.” Kevin said, smirking. Peeves raised his arm and signalled over Tiffany’s shoulder for Kevin to do the same.
“Three.” Peeves cackled.
“Two-” Kevin began.
“OKAY, WAIT!” she screamed.
They both paused, each raising an eyebrow in amused expectation. After a moment of silenced, only punctured by Tiffany’s shuddering, they grinned.
“Alright, she changed her mind.” Peeves concluded, snickering. Tiffany whimpered loudly, then cut herself off, angry with herself for letting her strong front crack.
“Okay, seriously-” She whined.
“Okay, seriously-” Kevin mimicked, in a high-pitched valley-girl voice. Peeves smirked, snapping his fingers so a cheesy plastic crown appeared on his head, atop a curly brunette wig - a lock of which he began to twirl around his finger playfully.
“Oh, you’re so mature.” Tiffany snapped sarcastically, but instantly regretted it.
“ME?” Peeves shouted angrily. He scoffed and turned his nose upward, crossing his arms furiously. “I don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being mature before! I think I’m insulted!” With that, he chucked the balloon upward, both Kevin and Tiffany staring at it in shock as it seemed to fall to them in slow-motion.
“Sorry, boy-oh!” Peeves cackled at Kevin, blowing a raspberry and spiralling around, before zooming through the wall next to them as the two students were soaked. Tiffany yelped in surprised fury, glaring at Kevin furiously.
“I. Hate. You.” She snapped, wrapping her arms around her chest with the realization she was still in her uniform white blouse. “Fucking Gryffindork…”
“Oh, give it up, Princess-” Kevin began, but was cut off by the sound of Peeves voice through the wall next to them.
“Professor Larkin! Professor Larkin! Fornication in the corridor! Fornication in the corridor!” His cackling echoed into the night, before the door beside them swung open and out stepped Edward Larkin,   professor of Care of Magical Creatures, his three-headed rottweiler, Alexandra, in tow.
“What are you-” He didn’t continue, only stopped speaking abruptly and turned back into his chamber, shutting the door without his beloved puppy. Tiffany and Kevin stared at the door in shock, until it opened again only a moment later.
“Alexandra, in.” He ordered, and the puppy scampered obediently back into the room as he shut the door, only for it to swing open again another moment later.
“And you- Lestrange - put a sweater on.” He snapped, shutting the door again. Tiffany’s jaw dropped in surprise and Kevin took a quick glance down, before averting his eyes- but he wasn’t quick enough.
“Oi, pervert!” she smacked him across the back of the head roughly. “Eyes where I can make contact!” She spluttered angrily for a moment, before spinning on her heel and storming off down the hall, soaking wet and furious, toward her dorm.
“… See you in Charms!” Kevin called after her.
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